August 26th, 2010
Between the 15th and the 18th of August, I vacationed in Las Vegas. For those of you who don't know, Las Vegas is a city in the desert. Specifically, this desert.
I'll reiterate: this...
...in this.
This...
...in this.
Yep, I can tell this city knows a thing or two about frugality. Look how frugally people live outside the Strip.
Aside from that, I took the liberty of assembling this survival guide should you accidentally find yourself in the middle of the Nevada desert, forced to do fine dining or gambling.
When you first check into a hotel, things may appear a little confusing. Give yourself a few hours to orient, and you'll realize soon enough that things are a little confusing. Below is a map of a typical hotel on the Strip.
Bear in mind that not all hotels are the same. The Mirage, for instance, was able to squeeze a second chunk of casino in between "Food" and "Concierge" as seen above.
As per Nevada state law regarding gambling, all casino hotels must have a ceiling painted to look like a sky. Further, it is strictly forbidden for a hotel to keep its sky-ceiling convincing. To remedy that, vaults and sprinklers are suggested to break up the illusion. Bonus points to the Paris for making the base of their Eiffel Tower protrude through their fake atmosphere (see above.)
I'll be the first to say I don't know crap about gambling beyond "I'll bet you ten dollars you won't eat this thing I found on the ground." That's why Charles Fey invented the slot machine in 1887, to ensure that everyone knows how to lose a game in some caliber. Unfortunately, slot machines are exceedingly difficult to find in Vegas. Here's some places where you can look:
- hotels
- airports
- grocery stores
- bus seats
- lamp posts
- sandwiches
- condom packets
- hamster cages
- cereal boxes
- pants
- ham hocks
- Donny Osmond's hairpiece
- bottles of drugstore gin
You can tell when a slot machine is near when you hear an obnoxious ringing. That part always annoyed me: why do slot machines sound the same? I've heard more sophisticated chiptunes on deviantART. Seriously, Harrah's Entertainment and MGM Resorts are billion-dollar industries; howabout some streaming audio?
Eventually, you do have to eat. With its diverse mix of fine dining, snooty dining, and pompous dining, you have to decide carefully where to eat. Below, I have sorted the restaurants into categories, with asterisks denoting relative price.
- * Why did you fly here? It serves its purpose. If you're not comfortable dining Vegas-style, see your therapist. But beforehand, go to one of the few franchise diners in the area. Examples: Subway, Panda Express.
- ** Bad Date It looks like a real restaurant, it's priced like a real restaurant, but its food is shit. If you wish to break up with your significant other, come here, have a mediocre meal, and then point him/her to this website. Examples: Noodle Asia, Hash House a Go Go.
- *** Phone a Friend The food is good, but you don't want to eat it alone or with your family, at least not after walking from the check-in desk to the restrooms (see above map.) Since Vegas is all about setting aside those annoying moral inhibitions, mooching shouldn't be an issue. Examples: Magiano's, Buzio's.
- **** Pretentious Douchebag Thirsty? The cheapest drink you'll get here is from swallowing your own saliva while looking at the menu (four bucks a gulp.) Now you too can have the false hope that you're being served $100 tater tots by Bobby Flay, even though he's probably at home watching "Dexter" reruns on Tivo. Examples: Anything that has Lagasse, Puck, or Batali in its name.
As such, dining will follow a predictable pattern, as seen in the graph below.
No argument, Las Vegas is a seedy, seedy establishment. That is why I was amused when I saw the in-house channel on my hotel's TV informing me that I could enable parental controls. Whew! What a relief! Take a note folks; there may be slot machines, dealers passing out pictures of naked hookers, bars with beer pong tournaments and the looming threat of running into Celine Dion on every intersection on the Strip, but you can rest assured that you can block Die Hard on your room's television.
Don't get too caught up in the sweeping generalizations that plague the glorious state of Nevada, though. You may subscribe for porn as in any other hotel in America, but Vegas is one of the few places you can go for "adult entertainment," which clearly isn't porn. Shows such as X Burlesque, Chippendales, Peepshow and Cirque du Soliel from the right angle are deceptively similar to porn, except that they're more expensive and if you unzip, they're calling the police.
No, that's not a policeman, that's a custodian at the Venetian. But that would be cool.
The other half of the coin, porn, is also available on each street corner. At any hour of the day, you'll see people in sweaters passing out cards that feature girls with stars Photoshopped onto their chests and names and prices listed in the corner. After extensive study, mostly conducted in the hotel room with Isaac Hayes playing in the background, I came to the conclusion that these cards are trading cards, which give the batting average of each hooker. Seeing as we've lowered our expectations of pop culture so much that "Silly Bandz" are in vogue, collector hooker trading cards could be the next big thing.
According to their union's rules, the card-dealers are required to pass out the cards in a carefully choreographed manner: with three or so cards in the right hand and the rest of the stack in the left, extend the right hand to the observer, retract, slap the cards against the stack, extend again, flick twice with the ring finger, retract halfway, and pass. If the onlooker declines the offer, repeat with the next in line. I just assume it works, much like bees communicate through dance.
The Ansel Adams-sized cracks in your lips will remind you that Las Vegas is a desert. Therefore, it is ripe for Old West stereotypes, among which is dueling. Everyone duels in some caliber, and not only does everyone duel in some caliber, everything does as well. Here's some of the most famous ones this week.
Bellagio Fountains vs. Spray Misters Bellagio is famous for its dancing fountains, which activate every half hour with musical accompaniment. Across the street, a smaller set of misters works constantly to cool passersby. It could be the 110-degree weather, but the competition between them appears to be turning ugly. One one side we have a common American mister trying to do its damn job while on the other side an Italian irrigation system pops once every half hour to show off for five or so minutes. And it gets to circulate its soundtracks. That can annoy its less-famous counterparts. It probably uses enhancers like tapered nozzles anyway.
Winner: After watching the feud for a few hours, neither sprinkler had the balls to cross the street and address the other directly. This leads me to the conclusion that deep inside, all sprinklers are wusses. It's a draw.
Penn & Teller vs. Psychics While there, I managed to catch Penn and Teller's act at the Rio. Aside from the usual fare of magical trickery, their show was peppered with mini-rants about airport security, gun rights, flag desecration, and psychics. In the bit about psychics, Penn replicated various cold reading methods, and what I assume was a variation of card force. If a magician in the tradition of Uri Geller were to cross a magician in the tradition of Harry Houdini, well, let's say that's the only time he wouldn't see it coming.
Winner: P & T have a permanent show at the Rio. John Edward can't even upstage a certain Vice Presidential candidate of a similar name that has a preoccupation with his hair. Point goes to Viacom's two favorite jerks.
Sharron Angle vs. Harry Reid As someone who grew up with a decade of Rick Perry's television ads, I honestly didn't think any other state's attack ads could extend beyond how miffed one another was over each other's tax incentives. Nevada changed that. The 2010 election cycle in particular has turned local stations in Nevada into a wasteland littered with attack ads from either camp, punctuated with commercials for lawyers and auto dealerships that you as a tourist would probably never visit. If you're from one of those pansy-ass states where your senatorial candidates try to persuade you by comparing platforms and questioning the effectiveness of their opponent's policies, don't turn on the TV. Or at least switch to an "adult entertainment" channel.
Winner: Neither. They're both douchebags for breaking whatever tension Dr. House was trying to build before the cut to commercials.
Casinos vs. Water Dealers There is something of a black market on the Strip, and anyone can join. Hotels generally sell bottled water for $2.49 a 20-ounce bottle. Step outside and you'll see people carrying around coolers (check next to the card-pushers.) They're selling bottled water, too, for one dollar a bottle. Chances are, they went to the nearby Walgreen's and bought a case, which they subsequently sell for a reasonable profit while still severely underbidding the hotel. Since Harrah's Entertainment is basically the Disney World of Nevada, they don't take too kindly to losing money to a dozen or so men and women with cooler chests. I'm still a little fuzzy on the legality, but again, I blame the heat. Maybe some cheap water will help.
Winner: Capitalism.
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