Protests against Soulwinners Ministries
March 28th, 2008
Day 1
Rank: (Or whichever epithet I'm given that day) Homo
Now I'm glad I ran by the university bookstore today, because if I didn't I wouldn't have run into Soulwinners Ministries International at the free speech zone.
It was 45 minutes of trading name-calling, yelling, and ethnic slurs with the black-clad mustachioed African American preacher/ringleader, Rev. Michael Venyah. And some students even had a chance to speak every now and then.
The message was simple: if you sin, you go to Hell. Somehow, the members of Soulwinners were sinless, self-proclaimed saints.
Okay, so to Hell with this furry college-bound Jew. Sparing the "Hell hath no fury" speech, I'll take the high road and not mention his antisemitism (oops!) Now here's why Mike's dining along:
NOTE: if you ask me what any of these verses mean, I will not answer. The entire text of about twenty versions of the Bible in 33 languages can be found on at least twenty websites, accessible on the first two pages of Google. You have no excuse not to do your homework.
Deuteronomy 22:11, KJV Wearing garments of more than one material is a sin, and you will go to Hell for that. I saw a cotton shirt, a silk tie, wool jacket and slacks, and leather shoes on Mr. Venyah. Does elasticated underwear count?
Collosians 3:8, KJV Profanity is a no-no. That is, unless my university was, in fact, named the University of Homos.
Leviticus 19:27, KJV Shaving is a Hellbound offense. Where was his beard? And why did his temples look so clean?
Matthew 6:7, KJV Again, that was 45 minutes of speaking, and they insist that one should ideally pray 10 hours a day. That's God's way of saying tl;dr.
Jeremiah 23:32, KJV Mike insisted several times that he is not a sinner, but a saint. You already know my response.
Leviticus 15:19-30, KJV These verses concern menstruation and how Venyah should've acted. No wonder the free speech zone requires every speaker has three feet of space.
Matthew 5:30, KJV Some of them admitted they jerked the gherkin in the past. Those are the best damn prosthetics I've ever seen.
1 Corinthians 11:4-7, KJV This is a tricky one: it's a sin for men to pray or prophesy with their hats on, and for women to preach without hats. While I cannot prove that they don't pray without the proper headwear, false prophecy is still prophecy.
Matthew 6:24, KJV I asked twice, once to Venyah directly and once to his cameraman, if his ministry accepts donations. Silence implies guilt, so I'll take their lack of response as a yes, and an admission of idolatry. And yes, their website accepts donations via PayPal. Uh-oh.
Their response? The "ceremonial" rules of the Old Testament don't count. Nice try, but if the Word is God (John 1:1, KJV) and God is perfect (Psalms 18:30, KJV,) then ignoring parts of the good book is in direct defiance of God. All or nothing. They didn't even address my New Testament verses, a direct violation of Isaiah 1:18, KJV (Come now, and let us reason together...)
Boy, oh boy, Mike, we're gonna have an ETERNITY of fun! Great weather, too!
The crowd was actually cool with their acerbic assholiness. I provided a scrap of bristol board and someone else made a sign ("Why do you judge and hate me?") A match or two was made on the ground, ending with some guys walking off holding hands.
After he took a break for another (rather anti-Catholic) preacher to have the floor, I approached him and his wife and child and calmly said, "Psalms 137:9." He responded, "John 8:11." That didn't really answer my question.
Day 2: Anonymous pays a visit
Rank: The reason there are lesbians here
I made signs for protest in Photoshop, and enlarged them on the copier in class.
Anonymous announced its presence with Rickrolls and several sheets of paper representing Longcat. It was kinda fail. Mudkips also joined in to lament Venyah's absence of leik.
There was much cheering when he was hauled off by security.
Day 3: Anonymous delivers again
Rank: Son of the Devil
It was a rather nutty day. The Pastafarians, the Anime Club, the LaRouche Borg, and followers of Ceiling Cat all came with their own brand of evangelism. Longcat was taped into a single fifteen-foot banner, making it easier for just two people to hold. The result was over 9000 pictures on cell phone cameras.
At one point, the Pool Closed: students circled around preacher Chris Lemieuz (below photo) and inched him towards the outside of the free speech zone. Took about a half hour before the poor guy noticed.
One guy (presumably Anime Club) came by, clad with face paint, styrofoam swords, and duct tape samurai armor to spread the message of the Bushido Code.
An as-of-yet unidentified club passed out "Get out of Hell free" Monopoly cards, to much revelry.
Day 4: I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS
Rank: The Devil
There was so much win today, I'll just cover the highlights. Nutshell-like, Anonymous delivered epically.
Ceiling Cat made that day's Daily Cougar:
One sunburned preacher in his fifties, JK, threatened charges against a student who went near his wife (if you touch her whaaa!) Later, someone bopped her one while JK wasn't looking. Even later, she struck another student who recorded the event. I hope it gets YouTubed.
The Skeptics Society popped in about 1:00 with posterboards almost as big as my ego. They took some elements from my own homemade signs, including crossing out the "W" in "Soulwinners" and writing a "S" above. My only issue was the presence of Godwin's Law in their signs.
A student stuck a job application in preacher Chris Lemieuz's face, with the rest of the crowd chanting "Get a job! Get a job!" It's in the above YouTube footage.
At the end, the fifteen-foot-long Longcat banner was adopted to a good home. Pictures possibly forthcoming.
Summary: One of the most contradictory religious groups I've ever seen, and surprisingly easy to debate if you do your homework. Despite their collective name, at no point did their diatribes include opportunity for students to actually get saved. If so, then I must be thinking in portals.
All in all, after four days waving signs around...well, if not for Soulwinners, I would not have gotten such a lovely tan.
Is Soulwinners coming to YOUR campus? If you go to a major American university, most likely. Let them know they're not out of the woods just because they're out of Houston. Get some ready-made protest signs here, royalty-free, or make your own original catchy slogans. Understand how your basic cult works (oh shi-! The C-word again!) and remember...
Ceiling Cat is watching you. Always.
