The five manliest movies of all time
October 11th, 2007
Being a proud owner of The Alphabet of Manliness, and being one of the few straight furries in the universe, I believe myself to be an authority on so-called guy movies, not to mention the most modest person on earth (see? I could've said universe, but that wouldn't be humble.) I used several factors to determine the manliness of the movies judged:
1: Manliness.
It's a simple system, really. Counting down...
He died for your exploitation film. Courtesy Icon Entertainment.
5: The Passion of the Christ Controversial or not, you have to agree: Jesus was metal. Click here for photographic proof of His awesomeness. He could've stomped some ass1, but He played along with Mr. Pilate just so He could sneak up on him three days later and say "Ha! Pwned!"2 Unfortunately, the movie can't can't get a higher rating because I still haven't forgiven Mel Gibson for that white-ass mooning scene in Braveheart.
Guy Fawkes may have been a theocrat who couldn't care less about freedom, but...ooh, lookie here! He's wearing a mask! Courtesy Warner Bros.
4: V for Vendetta No wonder Hugo Weaving took the job. After getting the beatdown from Keanu Reeves, I wouldn't want to show my face on screen, either. Nevertheless, V was a success in my eyes. An anarchistic philosopher3 who explodes things to Russian music? Sexy.
Molvania for youngsters. Courtesy 20th Century Fox.
3: Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan A man was able to insult practically every aspect of two countries, and got away with it by pretending to have a culture barrier. Of course, being Jewish himself allowed him to be quite the anti-Semite. Not that I'm complaining.4
The least pedophilic-looking Spartan you've ever seen. Courtesy Warner Bros.
2: 300 No, not the football team, idiots. Spartans were an ancient society that started each morning with a hearty breakfast of baby seal bacon and bald eagle eggs. For fun, they would piss off the Persians and blast heavy metal at the Athenians. The Athenians couldn't do anything about it, of course, because their gods were pussies. Even Spartan livestock were battle ready, because they were beaten daily with the bones of Greenpeace activists.5 The ultimate death for a Spartan is actually a misnomer, because Spartans can't die. Ever.
You can almost not tell he's gone old and crusty. Courtesy Universal Pictures
1: Army of Darkness The Bible of man-movies. Ashley J. Williams has one of the un-manliest names in history, but compensates by not giving a shit. Those burning boulders you saw him lobbing at the Deadites? Compacted babies. Product placement? Shop smart. Porn? Dreadfully skimped, but I'm quite sure there was a stash of VHS's in his trunk. Even his evil twin had it going good.6
The first Goth since AD 600 that could be mistaken for manly. Courtesy Williams Street.
Runner Up: Metalocalypse Because television shows count, too. The great thing about this show is, not only can the director guarantee at least one pile of corpses per episode, but since the show is a mere eleven minutes long, it delivers faster than a Pizza Hut on meth.
Courtesy Warp Records
Runner Up: Aphex Twin - Come to Daddy Music videos normally piss me off: a band prancing around lip-synching whist "artful" photography pops in every now and then.7 CtD fixes that by screaming at old ladies and sending demon-possessed little girls on a rampage.
1 Because your sins aren't really that important, you egotistical twit.
2 In Latin, of course. The only reason Latin died was the absence of umläuts.
3 But Fenris! You're not an anarchist! You're a libertarian! Your point?
4 Fact: only members of any given group are allowed to make fun of themselves. That's why I have immunity when I say furries are freaks and dramatards.
5 And that is where Texas Grillers come from.
6 This is a footnote.
7 Smoking gun: "Hey Delilah."
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